Jokes

Just for Laughs:

 

 

 

A man driving with his 4-year-old daughter beeped his car horn by mistake. He told his daughter he did this by accident to which she replied, “I know that, daddy.”

Confused, he asked her how she knew this.

She answered, “Because you didn’t say ‘ASSHOLE!’ afterwards!”

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As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife’s voice urgently warning him, “Herman, I just heard on the news that there’s a car going the wrong way on freeway. Please be careful!”

“Hell,” said Herman, “It’s not just one car. It’s hundreds of them!”

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A driver on route to school inadvertently made an illegal turn at traffic lights. Realizing his mistake, the driver said:   “Oops, I just made an illegal turn.”

“It’s OK,” said a student, “The police car behind us did the same thing.”

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Julie was driving a Mini Bus full of ten screaming kids. Frazzled, she coasted right through a stop sign. A man in a passing car yelled, “Hey lady, don’t you know when to stop?” Julie yelled back, “Hey, they’re not all mine?”

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A wife was making fried eggs for her husband for breakfast when suddenly he burst into the kitchen loudly shouting

‘Careful, CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my goodness you’re cooking too many at once. TOO MANY!

Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! You need more butter. OMG they’re going to STICK! Careful …  I said be CAREFUL!

You NEVER listen to me when you’re cooking! NEVER! Turn them! Hurry up! SALT! Don’t forget the salt. You know you always forget to salt them. Quick, QUICK! USE THE SALT!

The wife stared at him in amazement, ‘Are you crazy? What in the world is wrong with you? Don’t you think I know how to fry a couple of eggs?’

The husband calmly replied – “I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I’m driving.”

 

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A guy was driving when a policeman pulled him over. He rolled down his window and said to the officer,
“Is there a problem, Officer?”
“No problem at all. I just observed your safe driving and am pleased to award you a $500 Safe Driver Award. Congratulations. What do you think you’ll do with the money?”
The driver thought for a minute and said, “Well, I guess I can afford to get that drivers’ license now.”

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The teacher wrote on the blackboard, “I ain’t had no fun all summer.”
“Now Paul,” she said. “What shall I do to correct this?”
“Get a boy friend.” Paul replied.
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             Early one morning, a mother went in to wake up her son in time to go to school. “But mum I don’t want to go”.
            She asked him to give her two reasons why he didn’t want to go.”
            “Well, the kids hate me for one, and so do the teachers “
             His mother said they were not good enough reasons and insisted he get ready.
             He asked his mother to give HIM two good reasons why he should go.
            “Well, she said, for one you’re 52 years old. And for another, you’re the Principal!”

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           TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
           DONALD: H I J K L M N O.
           TEACHER: What are you talking about, that’s incorrect?
           DONALD: Well yesterday you said it’s H to O.
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TEACHER: Desmond, your composition on “My Dog” is exactly the same as your brother’s. Did you copy his?
DESMOND: No teacher, it’s the same dog!

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A school teacher injured his back and had to wear a plaster cast around the upper part of his body. It fit under his shirt and was not noticeable at all. On the first day of the term, still with the cast under his shirt, he found himself assigned to the toughest students in school. Walking confidently into the rowdy classroom, he opened the window as wide as possible and then busied himself with desk work. When a strong breeze made his tie flap, he took the desk stapler and stapled the tie to his chest. He had no trouble with discipline that term.
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A man and a woman who have never met before find themselves in the same sleeping carriage of a train. After the initial embarrassment, they both manage to get to sleep; the woman on the top bunk, the man on the lower.
In the middle of the night the woman leans over and says, “I’m sorry to bother you, but I’m awfully cold and I was wondering if you could possibly pass me another blanket.”
The man leans out and with a glint in his eye said “I’ve got a better idea … let’s pretend we’re married.”
“Why not,” giggles the woman.
“Good,” he replies. “Get your own blanket.”

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Subject: Computer Hard and Software:
Dear Tech Support:
Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0. I soon noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources. In addition, Wife 1.0 installed itself into all other programs and now monitors all other system>activity. Applications such as Poker Night 10.3, Football 5.0, Hunting and Fishing 7.5, and Racing 3.6 no longer run, crashing the system whenever selected.

I can’t seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run my favorite applications. I’m thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0, but the uninstall doesn’t work on Wife 1.0. Please help!
Thanks,
A Troubled User. (KEEP READING)

 

REPLY:
Dear Troubled User:

This is a very common problem that men complain about.
Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0, thinking that it is just a Utilities and Entertainment program. Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and is designed by its Creator to run EVERYTHING!!! It is also impossible to delete Wife 1.0 and to return to Girlfriend 7.0. It is impossible to uninstall, or purge the program files from the system once installed.
You cannot go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is designed to not allow this. Look in your Wife 1.0 manual under Warnings-Alimony-Child Support. I recommend that you keep Wife1.0 and work on improving the situation. I suggest installing the background application “Yes Dear” to alleviate software augmentation.
The best course of action is to enter the command C:\APOLOGIZE because ultimately you will have to give the APOLOGIZE command before the system will return to normal anyway.
Wife 1.0 is a great program, but it tends to be very high maintenance. Wife 1.0 comes with several support programs, such as Clean and Sweep 3.0, Cook It 1.5 and Do Bills 4.2. However, be very careful how you use these programs. Improper use will cause the system to launch the program Nag, Nag 9.5. Once this happens, the only way to improve the performance of Wife 1.0 is to purchase additional software. I recommend Flowers 2.1 and Diamonds 5.0! WARNING!!! DO NOT, under any circumstances, install Secretary With Short Skirt 3.3. This application is not supported by Wife 1.0 and will cause irreversible damage to the operating system.

Best of luck,
Tech Support

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